day 7 as a single person

One week on and I am still in one piece, not doing a bad job of being a single parent and a single person. I have sent off my application for my decree nici. Its going swiftly, and I am grateful for that. no tears in a week, some good progress, boss friend once told me he is not worth my tears, i just wish there was a way to turn them off once and for all but then that would make me a differnet person, so maybe they are healthy.

Boss friend asked me to repeat his tarot but I had done someone elses a couple of weeks ago and had my suspicions he was seeing her, the cards confirmed it and so did he by saying he was seeing her socially he denied that they were involved instead reiterating they were seeing each other socially, maybe thats why he has been ignoring my texts?? but his cards werent full of romance if anything they were all reversed suggesting jealousy and insecurities. I feel so conflicted, I like him so much and hoped in the future there would be something for us both somehow. I dont kow, her cards had all the hallmakrs of a good relationshiop but they both got the chariots which my insticnts tell me they are both pulling in differnet directions to each other, she wants someitng and he wants something else and his cards suggested he had settled but that he needed to bite the bullet and tell someone else how he felt about things, who is that somoene else? while a part of me hopes, the fact is i am not ready for a relationship with anyone at the moment, its too soon, the fact I like him a lot doesnt come into it, a relationship with him right now would be destructive for both of us. So I will carry on in the background in the hope that one day he notices me and sees me in the same way I see him.

Mean time, I am throwing myself into life and my work, with a trip to scotland planned and considering starting running again, though i dont really think losing any more weight would be a good idea, my wrinkles will start to show before long. until later…

Day 1 as a single person

The date is 13th May 2014

Events of the day

• Early morning meeting a work meant I couldnt get son up for school so asked ‘him’ to do it
• I got a text from school informing me he hadnt gone in]
• I had a hell of a day at work but managed to finish at a reasonalbe time and go home
• When I got home I discover ‘he’ who will now be known as my ex, had moved out!
• At no point during the last week had he told me his plans to move out today and his excuse was “I didnt want you taking a day off to help me” spineless arsehole
• I then discover he has no only taken all the stuff from the music room and all the stuff I packed up for him but also the bed
• I got quite upset, quite drunk and told him what i thought of him, ashamedly in front of our son
• I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom and felt so much better about stuff
• I had a wonderful friend over and we laughed the night away in the end thanks to more alcohol and pizza
• I spoke to fox who informed me I was a beautiful person??? and I cried down the phone to him
• I picked myself up brushed myself down and started to get on with the rest of my life

Day 113

The virgin man is coming today, ‘his’ contract expires today even though there is no sign of him going anywhere, I said he had to have found somewhere by 4 weeks from Good Friday otherwise he would have to sleep on someone elses sofa, he keeps saying he will get it sorted but then tells me that estate agents are dragging their feeet, I have half a mind to ring them and find out what the hold up is.

Son is like a dog with two tails now he has broadband in his room. I dont need the fast internet connection and ‘he’ wont be here to need it. its costing around £40 per month less than he was paying and i need to think of these things as a single income person.

I wish he would hurry up and move out.

Day 86 – Divorce papers

It was an amazing day, well it started off as an amazing day, we had arranged to go out its bank holiday weekend after all, so off out for easter meal with work, my old collegue that went on a career break was joining us too and it was set to be lovely meal. with it being easter I got everyone easter eggs including boss friend and that went down well.
Off to the pub for a swift drink before going to the restaurant (orlando’s in bradford) for some amazing food. only all evening boss friend made a point of speaking to everyone and only winding me up which upset me more than it should, it started when it looked like we were going to sit opposite each other and he moved, and ended up sitting next to someone else and nowhere near me, cheers mate, make a point why dont you. then he more or less ignored me apart from when he was winding me up. then at the end of the meal he walked me back to my car to collect his easter egg which he had left at work and he made some comment about the egg going in a night but the mug would last for ever, I stupidly couldnt think of anything to say so said someting like “well I didnt know what to get you so I got you that” why didnt I just stick my foot in my mouth and be done with it or say you’re welome, oh no not me I turn into a silly teenager in front of himn. I realised I had left my kindle at work so had to go back to get it but was so p’d off at myself i drove the car way too fast through a speed camera! Flash Flash! Damn it to hell; now that is all i need a bloody speeding ticket on top of a divorce! I got to work, feeling really low and not wanting to go home, picked up my kindle and texted boss friend and told him I got caught on a speedy. I know I shouldnt, it wasnt right but I did so there. I eventually got home to find ‘him’ sitting on the sofa watching TV, I grabbed my mail and went straight to my room. My mail was my divorce papers. well that was the icing on the cake, once again the flood gates opened. I had hit an all time low. I cried and cried and looked a complete sight. I ended up phoning my dad of all people, not sure why but he talked me to calmness. I felt guilty because the one person I really wanted to talk to was boss friend but he was not going to be my go to person. what a bloody mess but a glass of wine later, dutch courage thank you very much and I texted him and told him that I shouldnt have texted about the speed camera and that the day just got better thanks very much to the divorce papers and if I was being totally honest he was the one person I wanted to talk to because he managed to make sense of things and if that made things awkward then I was sorry but at least I was being honest. he didnt reply,

Day 80

An emotional day today. I finished work early to get to leeds so  I could file the divorce papers. I was doing okay until I told the clerk I wanted him to check them over, he was very kind and did as I asked and just checked that I didnt want him to pay for the actual divorce, I declined, its my divorce and I am paying for it. It was all in order apparently. I came out of the court and needed either a very large drink or a great big hug, neither were available so I settled for a cigarette while I waited for my mate outside the hospital. Smoking like a chimney an old colleague walked by, it was funny I was just thinking of his name sake! We chatted for a whle, I didnt have the heart to tell hm what I was dong there, it would just make it too real and i was not ready for that. he went and around the corner came my friend and then came the tears! Why I am crying I dont know, people keep saying its a grieving process but in some ways its a relief having done it. We had a coffee and a chat and by the time I left her I felt a lot better. Another day closer and another step closer to freedom.  I hope its not overrated.

Day 73

Today I went for my first waxing experience – as in bikini waz, I had also arranged to have my eyebrows threaded, so two firsts! I wasnt sure what to expect but I can honestly say the eyebrows hurt more than the bikini wax! Ouch. My eyes were watering so much I could hardly see. the effects were great but boy I will take a large drink before i do that again! the bikini not so much. it was a quick rip and it was all off – how long it will last is anyones guess, but i will consider having that done again. Its all for making the best of what I have, lets face it if I ever meet a man again I will want things neat, I never bothered previosuly, he was never that bothered and hardly noticed when I had my hair done never mind anything else!

day 69

Since my last post our wedding anniversary has come and gone, I spent the day with mum and step dad and didn’t get home until 8.30pm. It has also been the work charity ball, which was lovely and a chance to dress up but then I let slip to head of access about my pending divorce, it will be all around the office on Monday I expect. And today was mother’s day, son cooked me lunch which was truly lovely and husband went to see his parents to deliver the “news”. About us splitting up. His dad said he “didn’t want to know the details” but then when Phil said I was getting a mortgage to buy him out his mum said “so you’re the one leaving” (no he is going to become a full time dad to our son and pay me a shed load of money to disappear!!!) Reality check required.

They say they still expect to see me and are not cutting ties with me, how bloody big of them. Again the suggestion it’s been me that caused this, because golden boy would never step out of line.

Why can’t he stand up to his parents and say he has been a bloody idiot. I am torn between texting mother in law to wish her a happy mothers day and leaving it. It makes me look bad and guilty if I don’t but then the text would need to be worded carefully not to just incriminate me.

Next step, see Matt to get the ball rolling and check the deed of separation.

day 62

It’s just after 1am and son has just woken me up shouting, he`s still wound up from having a bad day at school, they changed his lesson plan effectively taking him out of it so he could do English then they had a sports relief session because it’s sports relief day, all this without notice makes for an unhappy son. He was quite wound up when he got home from school but I thought I’d sorted it out. While I was having a bath thus evening he was venting his frustration in his usual way (shouting) and instead of finding out what was amiss husband just waited til I got out the bath to ask me! I informed husband I wasn’t sure but not to worry because pretty soon it wouldn’t be his problem I would be the one dealing with it, to which his response was not to remind him, like not talking about it was going to make it go away. Then he accused me of saying something the other week while at his parents because son looked at me pointedly when mother in law gave us our anniversary card. I suggested if son knew there was no point in him hanging around til May, he shut up then.

I have been on a day off today and missed boss friend awful. I am off all next week too but thankfully have plenty to fill my time. I informed boss friend that I had a plus one for the ball and he asked if it was witchy friend to which I said no it was a man. I think that got a bit of a reaction but he hides it well.

I did my tarot cards and pulled the hermit as second card and lots of cups. The message was about communicating real feelings but I misread the hermit. Forgetting I had made the hermit represent boss friend in his reading, so frustrated I put the cards away confused, then when I thought about it with a fresh head I realise the cards were saying I need to communicate my real feelings to boss friend, not sure I am ready for that conversation.

I spent quite a lot of time in his company after I finished work on Thursday, it was after 5 and officially a handover but we kept getting interrupted by phone calls, he was…. playful is not the right word but just different, apologising to me quietly while on the phone and ad libbing and asking my advise about stuff he was doing while on the phone, it was nice. Then he walked me out, the office was still full at gone 6, and he showed no sign of going home either. The walking me out thing is new, I like it. I am worried though about the hours he’s putting in, not sure if he is getting peer pressure from his boss or if it’s just a short term pressure but I have raised my concern with him via text. I want him to know I care without being pushy.

Day 59

I cant believe its been nearly 60 days since the enlightenment! 

I had my appointment with the bank, who were marvelous and I can borrow more than I need to buy hubby out of the house, and afford the repayments without having to get a  mortgage for the next thirty years, I have managed to get it over 15 years, borrow another 30k on top of what we already owe and still manage to keep the payments lower than what we are paying now. I am just waiting for the paperwork to come through from the solicitors and I have another appointment at the bank in two weeks to sign on the dotted line so to speak. 

I then went home to look at our asset split etc, I need to give hubby most of the 30k but I will then be free and have some savings for a rainy day. Son still doesn’t know the detail but I think he will be starting to realise as his dad is sleeping in the spare room now, having given up on the sofa. he attempted to share the bed with me one day last week but I couldn’t stand it so went downstairs to the sofa. not the best nights sleep I have had but preferable to sharing a bed with him. 

The weekends are the hardest, I find myself sitting at work on Friday afternoons dreading going home, evenings are not much better, now he knows its over he is making even less of an effort than he did before, I wonder if he resents me? I went out all day Saturday to see a friend and do a spot of window shopping, Sunday I did more or less the same and sorted out the loft, I will probably spend this weekend doing similar things, but have arranged to see a friend on Sunday to break the monotony. 

I had my appraisal at work yesterday, lots of positives, nice always like those, a few negatives, but nothing really startling, I am “very defensive”, erm well if you knew me years ago you would say I had reason to be. I am “sadder” than my normal state, and I thought I was doing such a good job of hiding my true feelings, clearly he sees right through the act. The appraisal is taking part in two pieces, lots to discuss clearly, next part is when I am back from leave, we will set my objectives and he is going to see about me taking part in strategic projects to get me some more experience to enhance my career, what a good boss! 

What I really need right now is a friend who doesn’t know about my life for the last twenty years, which most of my current friends do, someone I can let my hair down with and have a giggle, someone to go to the pub with and forget about the fact I am a single parent (or soon to be) with a long and somewhat delusional marriage behind me. I need some escapism. but if I say that to boss friend he is likely to run for the hills, point is, he thinks I want him to be my go to person, I don’t want that, I don’t want to share every gritty detail of my divorce with him, I want him to be that person I go to have a laugh with, to forget my troubles and pretend I am a happy well rounded individual who doesn’t have control and defense issues.  Not much chance of that but a girl can hope. 

I found my kindle! I couldn’t believe it, it was under the chair in the car after all, I am sending the new one back, hoping to get a refund, I have restore all factory settings so it should be fine, there is a minute scratch on it but i am hopeful they will still take it back, if not I will keep it and put the other one on e-bay. 

Laying in bed this morning at not much after 5am, I found myself recalling a time when we were being intimate and I thought hubby said her name, he denied it at the time of course, as I asked what he said, but I was sure it was her name he said. Turns out I should have listened to my instincts then too. 

I am not naming her on the divorce, it will cost over £400 and she is so not worth it. 

I have my engagement ring back from the jewelers but I don’t want to wear it which begs the question why I had it repaired in the first place, I don’t think I will sell that but I am going to sell my other gold jewellery, all of which he bought me, but its just not me, I have seen some Baltic amber that is nearly black, its gorgeous, and its set in silver which is much more me, with my wedding ring and other bits of gold I should have sufficient to get a couple of decent pieces. 

The ball is coming up next weekend, I think I am looking forward to it, I am going to suggest hubby speaks to his parents on mothers day, I don’t want him around me on that day, instead I will spend it with son, he can go out for a change. then the following week is his birthday – I will ask son to get him a card and gift, he wont be getting a gift from me, unless the settlement for the house has come through by then, we can call that a late birthday present. 

I don’t know what to do about child support, if I go through the courts he will have to pay me a heck of a fee to support Son, but I am not sure how he will take it if I ask what he intends to do about it. Colleague said she made an arrangement to take it out of her ex husbands settlement and never be beholden to him again. Sounds like a plan if I can get him to agree. 

day 51

A lot has happened since my last blog, on the day after my last entry, I decided enough was enough and had to have a full and frank talk with hubby, I told him we weren’t making each other happy and we should go our separate ways. I pointed out that when this first happened and I asked him if he wanted a divorce, he said “not particularly”, hardly an endorsement for marriage and that he hadn’t spoken to me in days. I pointed it that he had a point when he said I was always happy to sort things out with son’s school but that was when I thought I had a good marriage.   He doesn’t like my friends or my family particularly (which he didn’t deny) and if we manage to resolve this amicably then there was a chance we could be friends.  That was Thursday. 

Saturday we went to see hubby’s parents, he wanted to show off his new car, all was going well until mother in law mentioned wedding anniversaries and how our silver was only three years away. I felt sick, even son looked at me! I managed to hold it together for the rest of the meal but couldn’t wait to get out of there. And the Oscar nominee for most convincing performance goes to….me!  

Sunday we discussed assets, like adults. I have an appointment with the bank to see how much I can comfortably borrow.  

We have yet to tell son, I am keeping to my promise about May. In the mean time we are taking it in turns to take the sofa. I can’t sleep when he is in the bed. This is odd as I’ve always slept better with him beside me. Amazing what an affair can do to a marriage.